It takes Three to Form a Friendship

Here is an article my friend Cam Nguyen wrote on the nature of friendship and why it takes three to Form one

A friend had asked one day, “Why are friendships declining in their quality?”

But, perhaps a better phrasing of the question might be, “Why the decline in friendships?”

There are many factors to the decline in the number of friendships in the modern world—overly dependence on social media, disordered prioritizations, modern Western values such as individualism and minimalism—but there is one factor that particularly stands out to me the most: the decline in moral virtues.

But, first, what is truly the meaning of the word, “friendship?” We may easily call every person a friend and distinguish the closeness and levels of our friendships by simply adding a prefix such as “close” or “best.” But, to call someone a friend is to truly entitle them with one of the most laudable title—a forgotten title-

Reading the works of Aristotle, St. Aelred, St. Francis de Sales,  and Karol Wojtyla, one sees a common and predominant theme that rings out in their writings on friendship: charity—friendship requires mutual benevolentia or goodwill—with the addition of other elements that constitute a friendship such as recognition of this mutuality and communication.

In Books VIII and XI of his Ethics, Aristotle describes three forms of friendship. The two lesser and imperfect forms of friendships are those based on utility and pleasure, which he arguably claims to be less deserving of the name “friendship.” Those in friendships of utility are in the relationship for the profit gained. Those in friendships of pleasure are in the relationships for the sake of the pleasure and enjoyment therein—such are those founded upon joint activities, hobbies, and the emotions of infatuation, to name a few. As such, when these two forms of friendships cease to be profitable or pleasurable, the “friendships” will end. The third form of friendship, which is the perfect friendship, is predicated upon the good and is thus shared between persons who resemble each other in virtue. In this friendship, friends will the good of their friends for their own sake and not for selfish motives.

The Cistercian monk St. Aelred of Rivaulx, in his treatise On Spiritual Friendship from the early 12th century, similarly describes three types of friendships: carnal friendships, which are based on vice and sensual pleasures; worldly friendships, which are based on profit; and spiritual friendships, which are based on the likeness of lifestyles and interests that are righteous and good. To St. Aelred, the spiritual friendship is the only true friendship. We see very much these same thoughts also expressed in St. Francis de Sales’s writings on friendship in his 17th century classic Introduction to the Devout Life: that friendships based upon the exchange of carnal and sensual pleasures are false friendships, since these are false goods, and thus do not claim the title of “friendship.” And, that true friendships presuppose the sharing of the good—of knowledge, especially of moral virtues; and, most laudable, of charity, the love of God, and Christian perfection. If any sin seeps into the friendship and remains therein, then the friendship will perish immediately, for friendship can only subsist in true virtue.

In these reflections, a relationship is a friendship only if it pertains to charity—to willing the good of another. Beautifully stated by St. Pope John Paul II, then Bishop Karol Wojtyla, in his Love and Responsibility:

In friendship…the decisive part is played by the will. I desire a good for you just as I desire it for myself, for my own ‘I’…your ‘I’ necessarily becomes in some sense mine, lives within my ‘I’ as well as within itself.

In friendship, there is a communion of will such that I am committed to another’s good just as I am committed to my own. To be in a friendship, then, presupposes that we know and possess virtue—how could we love and will the good of another if we do not know what is truly good, and we do not possess the virtues to choose and will what is good? The decadence of the modern world is subjecting friendships to collapse and diminution. Our great thinkers, our saints, see this and have foreseen this, and thus their conclusion that friendships will be reserved for a few.

Venerable Archbishop Fulton Sheen has said that it “takes three to get married”—God being the Divine Third. Could we not say the same of friendship—that it takes three to form a friendship? And, according to our saints, that God must be the Divine Third for our friendships to be true? What is, then, the third binding in our friendships? Do we remain in our relationships out of mere familiarity? Comfort? Due to a sense of obligation? For sensual pleasure? Or, due to a shared good and noble interest? A sincere care for their good? Because we recognize God coming through our love for one another?

Truly, “faithful friends are a sturdy shelter; whoever finds one finds a treasure” (Sirach 6:14).